i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
