i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
