i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
