Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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