Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
