I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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