They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
