24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
All the doctor said was why
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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