i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
