I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
