Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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