one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
