What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i think i have herpe
just one?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
