I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
