I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
