i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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