I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
