any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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