I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Be still, my beating vagina.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
