I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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