Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
