I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Randomize
