I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I skipped work to stalk him.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
