Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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