phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
porn star boner night. come get it.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
