Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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