i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
