I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
