I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
