You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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