And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
