i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
