I think I won the penis lottery.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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