I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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