totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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