Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
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