U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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