the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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