We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
