Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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