She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
