Your mouth is God's brothel.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I just gargled with NyQuil
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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