we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
