everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
