good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
