Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
