Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
