My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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