talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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