dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
